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You have to pick:

The other option this is paired with happens to 50% of the people on Earth, chosen at random. You don't know whether you will be among them.

or

An unkillable spirit of vengeance keeps striking you repeatedly with an ordinary tablespoon. Each blow is only a minor annoyance, and you can run away from it for brief periods of time, but it will always follow you and will never, ever stop.

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greathouse.kyle
ahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahh ... spoon

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